Ok. Bad me. Slap on the back of the hand with a wooden ruler by two penguins nuns. I know. I’ve been absent. Not absinthe, though there have been times in my life when I’ve been that too. Actually, I’ve not been social with anyone really. Not left notes. My Google Reader is showing entries somewhere in three figures. All down to lack of time. Purely lack of time. Between work being all-encompassing, wifey being near her due time now, spending the little time I have writing the next book as much as possible and random chores, I seem to have less time than a mayfly with a heart condition. But, of course, things will calm down, and I will be back regularly. In the meantime, since I know I missed my Friday jollity search terms entry (and I know for a fact I’ll be missing the next one) I give you a brief rundown of the best of recent searches:
- cellophane mummy – This I’m guessing was from the later era of Egypt. Perhaps when they were a vassal state of Persia, or ruled by Macedonians. When linen was in short supply. Possibly when Augustus had annexed the country as a province and all the wheat and gold was heading to Rome. Must have made for some sweaty, rustly afterlife. And imagine the funeral procession. A leaky body (even with the organs removed and the torso stuffed, they still had to account for internal decomposition with a drain hole in the coffin). So, a leaky body in cellophane being born aloft through Heliopolis in the hot dun. Ewwww.
- chloroform fetish talk – “Welcome to Doctor Smoogle’s lecture series. This week we will be discussing Chloroform fetish. Does everyone have their bottle? Ok, I’ll just get the overhead projector working… Ok. Our first slide shows Mrs. Perkins of Collostomy Way, Guildford…”
- coffee + made my eyes blurry – I. Want. This. Coffee. Actually, I don’t need my eyes any more blurry. I’m wearing my new glasses. I’m only on day 3 and my prescription has changed a bit. It’s slowly improving, but on Sunday it was like looking through a wine glass everywhere I went. I’ve had coffee that made my tongue furry. Rhyme-wise that’s pretty close…
- go go random search – Wow! Inspector Gadget reads my blog. I often wondered what he did these days. He disappeared from the force quietly and unobserved, didn’t he? I figure it was something like this behind his dismissal: Gadget stands at the press conference to receive his commendation. He’s talking about how his equipment works and says “Go, go, gadget…” and the person next to him says “Cock”. Well you can imagine the scene. Poor old gadget. I hear he works security for Starbucks now.
- sunshine home for subnormal children – Briefly I considered changing the name of this blog. I would love to change the name of our house, but I think wifey would object.
- for sale tap and spile guisborough – I wonder if this is mere coincidence or a result of my rant about the poor (for which, read apalling) quality of the beer when we descended upon the place. If they’re trying to sell it they’d best try and get more than four bubbles in a glass. I’m only grateful I didn’t eat there. I suspect the plate might have ‘mooed’ at me.
- man many arms – This sounds to me like a line uttered by a man on some sort of hallucinogen. Picture Dennis Hopper in his bandana and bike days staring at his hands while waving them madly around in front of him with a wide grin; his pupils so dilated you could drive a monster truck through them. This is what he would say: “Maaaaaan…. Many arms, man!”
- ear growing – This does beg the question: Are you talking about the fact that your ear is growing which, unless you are a small child, is probably a problem, or your hobby of ear growing. A vat of yeast, a petri dish, some stem cells, a mug of coffee and a copy of Country Life magazine and you settle in to watch those jug handles grow. Black market ears. Limited demand but worth a lot in the right places. Imagine the hawker on the market stall: “Ears… get your lovely ears… Buy one, get one free.” Of course, he’d do very little business. How would his target audience hear him?
- miss sixpence – Sounds like an upper-class British dominatrix to me. ‘Nuff said.
- sniffer pigs – Oh, yes. Four years of police training. A van with ‘Police Pig Unit’ on the side. Many jokes about the colloquial term ‘pigs’ everywhere they go. And the van pulls up at the suspected meth-lab. The police officer opens the back doors and lowers the ramp so that Alice the sniffer pig can go to work. She takes her handler round the back of the building and nuzzles at the cellar door as she’s been trained. Four armed policemen burst through the door. Old lady Pilchard shrieks and throws her laundry basket in the air. The police sidle in and cover the room, Bill the handler brings Alice in and she shoots across the room and uncovers the box of chocolate truffles! Bill never works in the force again.
- how to pull stairs tighter together – This man is strong. And has some crazy DIY ideas! Wowser. Go, go gadget arms.
And that’s my brief hallo to the rest of the world. Back soon….
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