“Statistics are like a bikini. More important than what they reveal is what they conceal.” – Author Unknown
February 2010… Since we’re a month into the New Year (and new decade), no doubt many of you have resolved to drop that extra pound (or five) you’ve picked up since last Thanksgiving (aka, SPANKSgiving). Me too. While we’re on the subject, I think it’s time to shred a few myths. Let’s begin with a vanilla one. First, when it comes to turkey meat, I’m a breast man. Hands down. I know it seems strange coming from a butt, leg and thigh man, but it’s true. Oddly enough, in a survey quoted on local television news over the holiday (source unknown), 75% of us prefer the side dishes over the turkey itself. That tells us something, doesn’t it? Everyone is apparently there for the turkey but instead enjoys sampling the hell out of all the other things available at the table.
Very interesting.
Sad to say, I believe similar assumptions are occurring within the fetish community about defining roles or those designations through which one defines oneself. If you take a few moments (granted, you could spend hours) digging through the various threads of different online communities, you’ll notice frequent conversations along the lines of “what’s the difference between a submissive and a slave?” or “How can I tell if I am a Master, Dom, sub or switch?” or “Help! I think I’m a sub, but I’m not sure”. If you read on, it seems like everyone is trying so very hard to ‘fit in’ to some predefined group by compartmentalizing who they are within the confines of these definitions. In effect, they’re only addressing one side of the coin.
Here’s my gift to those of you who are fumbling along, simply trying to find your way – a few words of wisdom: Labels are for canned goods not kinksters.
Don’t get me wrong. Everyone needs to develop a healthy perspective of who they are. Belonging is important. Everyone wants to find their ‘best definition of self’. I agree completely that a strong ‘sense of self’ is a very good thing. However, a word of caution: Slapping a label on it prematurely severely limits your endeavors and abilities to discover and explore all the exceptionally unique facets of yourself.
Relax. Take a deep breath. You don’t have to fit neatly into one (or even two or three) definitions. Are you the same person today you were a year or two ago? (Probably not.) Life itself is a very fluid and organic experience. Change is common. Change is good. (Mostly.) It is when we resist those changes that will enrich who we are that we suffocate personal growth and experience.
Think of the balance implied by the Chinese (Taoism) philosophy symbolized as Yin-Yang. The outer circle encompasses everything. Yin means dark and cold, while Yang means bright and hot. According to the philosophy (and Wikipedia), yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, which constantly interact, never existing in absolute stasis. This includes good and bad as well. Some take the definition even further, defining one as dominant and the other as submissive or male and female. Personally, I think that tends to dilute the point.
Given the choice, would you want everything dark and cold or bright and hot? (Think about it.) Most of us would say ‘neither’. We would miss the diversity and variety. The same is true when it comes to defining who we are within the lifestyle.
Perhaps this is the biggest reason why so many on social fetish sites identify themselves as ‘unsure’.
Most of us (myself included), have spent quite some time learning who we are and where we fit. We’ve decided, over time, that we identify more strongly with either the Dominant side or the submissive side (or one of the handfuls of variations defined within each). That’s fine. However, we have to admit (if we’re completely honest) we’ve found ourselves on the other side, intentionally or not, consciously or not, at one time or another.
As a part-time mentor and friend to several who are trying to find (or have found) their way in this life, there is one thing I’ve learned in each and every case (without exception): While they begin their journey identifying more strongly with either their Dom or sub side, over time with the right amount of intelligent discussion, self exploration and adequate time, each has learned that they are an amalgam of the two, with one aspect often playing a larger role in who they really identify themselves as on a daily basis.
Does this mean that those who identify most strongly as ‘switches’ have the healthiest viewpoint?
When all is said and done – I’d say it is a definite maybe. Rather than using any of my friends as examples, I’ll use myself. As a Dominant male, I’ll admit to enjoying having an alpha-sub female take a degree of control and in order to make myself comfortable with it, I called it a good ‘service topping’. Regardless of my description, in retrospect I was (in that moment) ‘a bottom’. I’m sure there are plenty of submissives (even ‘slaves’) out there with latent alpha-streaks that see within themselves those times where they did ‘climb on top’ or ‘top from the bottom’ and enjoyed the living hell out of it… and the ramifications afterwards.
Bottom line: Don’t over invest yourself in a singular label regardless of how strongly you identify with one lifestyle definition. You are all unique and complex human creatures and, as such, you have every right to be organic and fluid and dynamic and ever-changing. If you wish to engage your mind fully in your self-explorations, don’t pigeon-hole yourself with narrow definitions, rather, find your way by recognizing each and every facet of who you are within your entire circle of self.
Above all: Have fun. Play hard. Play safe. Enjoy the journey.
________________________________________________________
Copyright © 2009, 2010 Stephen Masters / RealityNEMESIS
(Published first on www.trufetish.com in February 2010)
No comments:
Post a Comment