The Phantom ''Fucker''

Warning:

Do not read this if you’re related to me or if you ever want to do the funky monkey with me.

Do not read this if you’re underaged.

Do not read this if you’re all touchy, feely and sensitive and shit.

Do not read this if you’re my mother or sister.

Now, if you’re neither of the above, and you are ready to read something steamy, raunchy and very freaky, please continue. It is a bit of a novel this one, but I assure you, the story is worth it.

So, as I said in the entry about Tucker Max, I would never dare write explicitly about my sexlife. Which is why this obviously isn’t about me. Ooooh no. It’s something I heard from my friend. Let’s call her Holly.

So I went out  with my housemates. Before I went out, I said to Lydia: ”I’m not gonna bring any lad back today… but you know.. just in case. Remind me to shave, eh?”. Not that I was really hairy, just I didn’t plan on sex, and it had been a few days. You know. Just a bit of stubble.

Went out, had a good time. Flipped off any guy who got near. Eww they’re all so not worthy of me and my awesomeness. So then Bumper closes, and we go outside. Start talking to this guy who Lydia knew, some guy named Sam from Mexico. He’s not the point, cause Lydia quickly moved on and started talking to this other guy, I just follow her. She’s talking to this guy, and he had a friend. I just stood there like a wallflower, but then a gust of wind came, and I smelt the remarkably matcho scent of Jean Paul Gaultier, the green bottle. Dunno what it’s called. So I just lean towards this guy, Richard his name was, and take a whiff. Aaah I do love that perfume. Which is a bit odd, my brother used to wear it.  So I just started talking to him (and smelling him over and over, yes I was quite drunk), just very friendly, very platonically.

Now let me describe this guy to you. He had a gorgeous southern Liverpool accent. Not scouse at all, just absolutely lovely. Actually, he had the exact same accent as one lecturer at Hope. And it is just lovely. He had green-brownish eyes, and chocolatey brown hair. He was just .. very handsome. So obviously I kept the tone friendly, and left it at that. I don’t think I could ever get a guy like that with me anyway. Handsome, slim, fit, sexy.. You know. The works.

So me and Lydia left them, and went to a cash point. Then after about five minutes he comes running after us. Totally unexpected. Lydia shares her booty-call issues with him to get a man’s opinion, where he tells me to shut up, cause I’m drunk and interrupting. When I wont shut up, he shoves me conveniently against a nearby wall and holds my mouth. After he deals with Lydia’s problem he said to me ”You know, I shouldn’t be here. I’m just gonna go and take a piss, I have a girlfriend.” I was like ”Well, you just go and tak a piss then. See you.”

Again he follows us. He finds a little alleyway where he takes a leak, at which point I wait for him and Lydia goes ahead. I’m drunk and I lean around the corner to get a look at him, and he totally caught me in the act. Walking down the dark backalley after that, he goes on to say ”hey, your eyes are green!” I said ”Yes, they are”. Then goes on saying how he really shouldn’t be here, and then he kisses me. Oh god I do love that perfume.

We go out onto the main street, and Lydia is nowhere to be seen. I shout her name and walk up the street, he just follows. Then I’m like ‘’shit, I’ve lost her…” He puts his arms around my waste and it seems as if he would want nothng more than push me up against the wall of the philharmonic hall. Then I say ”where do you live?” He’s like ”Ooh noo–” ”No, I’m not gonna take you home and rape you Richard, i wanna know so maybe we can share a taxi?” He agrees and we live quite close. He kept staring at me, and getting closer to me in the taxi, and repeated that he shouldn’t be there. Then he said we’d go out at the same stop, he apperantly lived a couple of streets down. Then he insists on walking me to the door. As we were walking down the street, he just grabs me and lifts me up so my legs wrap around his waist. I was like ”nooo!”. I hate it when people lift me up. They’ll only end up hurting themselves, I’m far to heavy.

We get to the door, he just stands there, and I say ”what? you want a drink or something?” He wanted a cuppa tea. Sure, I’m not gonna deny a man a cuppa tea! So I set out to make us some tea. We have a board in the kitchen we use for writing messages for eachother on. He notices the Tinkerbell on it that I’ve drawn, and he notices some dog. And I’m like ”yeah, my lat one-night-stand did that one”. He gets a bit of a weird expression, and I say ”What? You don’t like that, Mr. Boyfriend?” I went to the bathroom. At this point I considered doing a quick trim, but i seriously didn’t think anything was going to happen. After all I’d taken on a cool and dismissive part, and he kept saying he shouldn’t be there and that he has a girlfriend.

We go in the livingroom, where he discusses in German with Lydia, and have a talk about German politics over a cup of tea. When Lydia leaves he comes and sits next to me. And just stares at me. And kisses me. All I was thinking is ’shit I should have shaved!’. He pulled down my top and started groping and kissing all over. Then he pulled down my leggings. I was wearing hold-in leggings and a top. Now girls, we all know what hold-in does to you. Makes you seem slimmer when you’re standing up, but if someone undresses you, they’ll know the gig is up. I wasn’t very comfortable. I have abit of extra weight, and I’m not really omfortably with sitting at all. So I kept protesting, and he started to finger me, despite my ”no, no, no, no”es. All I could think was oh dear god, I’m being finger-raped! He said ”They’re not gonna come in here, are they?” I was terrified. What if my housemates walked in?? I kept saying ”not in the livingroom, not in the livingroom, not in the livingroom”… He  pulled everything I wore down to my knees after a while, and told me to stand up and turn around. This guy was freaky. I just said ”No. I’m gonna get dressed and go to my room. You can either come with me, or walk out.”

He followed me up to my room. He threw me down on the bed and started just pulling off all my clothes. I felt flabby and stubbly. I groped him as well, and he denied me. I think he felt he couldn’t do that because he has a girlfriend. Like what the fuck?? Where does that even make sense??? It seemed like he had quite a package. He kept groping and fingering me, and he was quite good. But he kept trying to put his finger in my ass as well! I was like ”NOOO!”. Right then all I wanted was sex really. He was on his knees in front of the bed, and I was lying down naked, feeling rather unattractive. He said ”I can give you what you want.” I was like ”You don’t know what I want…” When he realised he wanted to go down on me, I said ”Stop, stop, stop! Listen.. I really don’t like recieving oral sex. It’s the thing about me.. I only like giving. So if you’re gonna give me what I want…then I need your dick in my mouth.” Can’t believe I actually said that. But he wasn’t having it, his dick was apperantly a no-go. Maybe it belonged to his girlfriend? He whipped it out either way, but was only wanking, while fingering me. I kept saying ”come here, come here, come here”… But no. I’m really not comfortable with anyone touching me. But he did know his shit.

You think this is weird? Read on.

As he wa getting closer, he said something like bukkake. And I remember thinking shit, is he gonna unload that thing in my face? It was a gorgeous dick though. Like perfect. I tried sucking him off, but even though I did it a bit, he pulled away. I didn’t even know men were capable of that!!! Then he just spermed on my pillow, in my face, in my mouth, in my hair, even on my arm. It was messy, I tell you. Here I was, just all too eager to swallow, and he wanted to create such a mess? I don’t get men. Then he said he had to go. And I was like ”yeah fine”. Then he shook my hand, and said ”nice knowing you”. I just said ”yeah, you too.”

He walked downstairs, and I was sat there in the midst of all the sperm thinking what the fuck??

I could hear him struggling with the door, our door is a bit weird. So after I’d gotte over the shock, I got dressed and went downstairs. The door was locked. The key was on the floor. How did he get out? I checked the windows, they wre all locked from the inside. I checked the backdoor, locked from the inside. I checked all the rooms, and nothing! Where the fuck had he gone? This is about when I had a nervous break-down. All I wanted to do was go home by myself, eat some noodles, go to bed and have a good nights sleep. And now I was deeply disturbed.

He had some weird fetishes. Sex in a semi-public room. Anal. Bukkake. All the secrecy. Was his name even Richard? Did he even have a girlfriend? Or is one of his fetishes also role-playing?

My dear friend Holly shal never know. He’ll always be the phantom ”fucker” who did anything but.